


the sunshine fades

by Anonymous



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, University, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27484621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: moonbyul moves into college. coronavirus kicks her out. she meets yongsun. maybe everything will be okay.
Relationships: Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Jung Wheein, Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17
Collections: Anonymous





	1. do your best

**_July 18, 2020_ **

Moonbyul had goals that could be described as aspirational, to say the least. She wanted nothing more than to be a successful pediatric surgeon, marry a beautiful woman, and own a pricy apartment in Seoul. These goals were obtainable, in her mind. Something to strive for. But the one goal that was absolutely non negotiable was that she wanted to be absolutely nothing like her mom when she grew up. Maybe it wasn’t disgust, but she did feel shame due to the fact that she was related to someone as vile and rude as her mother. She dreaded waking up in the morning in the same house as her, making eye contact with her, generally being in the same vicinity as her poor excuse for a mom.

Rest assured, Byul’s lack of respect and admiration for her mother was not unfounded. Ever since the former turned 13, she had been fascinated with human biology. Reading medical textbooks about heart murmurs, analyzing x-rays that she found online, pestering her family doctor with questions regarding Type One Diabetes- Byul simply couldn’t get enough. It fueled her love for helping people, whether that be through volunteering at her local church, tutoring younger kids in English or Spanish after school, or simply offering her assistance to her parents. 

As she absorbed more and more, she talked about her passion for medicine to her parents more. One day, she came across a website providing information on the AIDS crisis in America in the 80’s. Astounded by the sheer number of cases and unable to believe the pain these people must have suffered, she decided to discuss this horrific knowledge with her mom, whom she had always trusted.

“Hey, mom. Can I ask you something?” Byul had asked, sliding on the kitchen floor as she entered the room. Her dark blue socks perfectly complemented her dark jeans and white shirt. She had always felt more comfortable in darker shades, but appreciated a nice pop of white every now and then.

“Of course,” her mom had answered, not looking up from her newspaper that she was reading at the kitchen table. Covered with a floral tablecloth and the morning light shining in from the windows, her mom looked extraordinarily comfortable.

Byul smiled, pleased that she could learn more from someone who was actually alive during this specific crisis. “I was wondering if you knew anything about the AIDS crisis that happened in America. It would have been in the 80’s, and I was wondering how Koreans reacted to it. Did we ever have a similar crisis? What-”

Her mother scoffed, cutting Byul off.

“What’s wrong? I don’t underst-” Byul started.

“What’s wrong is that those people exist in the first place,” her mother said, clearly disturbed by the question. “Haven’t I taught you better than to care about people like that? God taught us that only a man and a woman should marry. Why do you even care about them? They’re sinners, and it disgusts me to even think about. Go read something else.”

Byul stared, unable to process the lengthy lecture she had just received. 

“Okay, sorry,” she quickly apologized. Fleeing the kitchen, she attempted to understand what her mother’s response meant. Why would she care so much about gay people? Who fucking cares who people love?

“Thank God I’m not gay,” she had muttered to herself, flopping down on her twin bed, surrounded by her favorite stuffed animals. Still disturbed by her mother’s aggressive answer to her perfectly innocent question, she picked up another book and let herself get lost in the words. 

Five years later, Byul was most definitely gay. She hadn’t forgotten that traumatizing conversation with her mom. In fact, it haunted her quite frequently and sent her into more than one panic attack. She physically couldn’t imagine being with a man for the rest of her life. How could she? Girls were just so beautiful and gentle and kind and...oh shit. She was doing it again.

“Get it together, Byulie,” she chastised herself, constantly.

Ever since the chat with her mom, Byul had felt a sense of foreboding. Maybe she had always known she was gay. Maybe it was just the discomfort of living in such a strict and toxic household. Either way, coming out was not an option. It hadn’t even crossed her mind. Not when college was so near. It could wait, right? She had started to question her sexuality when she was 15, so lying about her non-existent attraction to men had become second-nature. Surely she could handle a few more weeks of “faking hetero,” as she thought of it.

Now, sitting on her porch at the family vacation home in the mountains, Byul attempted to concentrate on simply being in the moment. This was her last vacation with her family, probably ever. Thank God. If she stuck to the pre-medical track that she had planned on ever since she learned what the respiratory system was, she would have to find a job in a clinical setting very soon. 

The unusually cool July air calmed her nerves as she contemplated what her first year at university would be like. New friends, she reminded herself. New family. What would it be like to not be afraid for her safety? To be free? To be openly gay? She couldn’t even imagine it. Because her family was paying for all of her college tuition, she couldn’t afford to be openly gay at home, not when her mother made it perfectly clear that “you will never receive another cent from me if you come back tattooed, pierced, or worst of all, gay.” 

Byul chuckled at the memory of her mom threatening to revoke her tuition money on the premises of her only daughter turning out a lesbian. Surely she couldn’t be serious, right? Higher education was what she had been preparing for her entire life, and she knew it meant as much to her mom as it did to her. Why would she take it all away over something so trivial?

___________________

The next few weeks at the vacation home passed by without any excitement. Aside from being scolded for zoning out during family dinners, she got along with her family perfectly well. In reality, she couldn’t wait for this damn vacation to be over so that she could finally begin her life as a university student. The past few months had been nothing but torture, as coronavirus made seeing her friends virtually impossible. And how was she supposed to have fun without her friends? Thank God she was moving into her dorm soon. 

The flight back home was uneventful, if a little anxiety inducing. Byul had always enjoyed horror films, but as she sat on the plane trembling in fear, she hated herself for watching so many that featured plane crashes.  _ Relax,  _ she told herself. Struggling to breathe in the N95 mask she was sporting, her anxiety rose to an almost intolerable level. 

She wished she had someone who cared.

Falling asleep later in the flight, she dreamt of a beautiful blonde angel serenading her with a lullaby, one which Byul would not soon forget.

  
  
  


**_August 4, 2020_ **   
  


Move-in day. It was finally move-in day. Byul glanced around her childhood room for the last time, checking to make sure she had packed everything she needed for college. She walked towards the window to shut the curtains, and caught a glimpse of a picture of her younger self in a ballet costume.

She let out a breathy laugh, amused by how much had changed. God, she was so little and perfect and girly back then. She looked at herself in the mirror and compared the two.

Eighteen-year old Byul had a love of minimalist fashion, her dark round-rimmed glasses, and jean jackets. She wore little to no makeup, preferring to spend more time on her skin-care routine than any make-up routine. Her grey Vans were old and beaten up, but Byul liked the nostalgia they offered. A few years earlier, her friends had stopped her as she was walking to class and measured her foot right with a ruler right in the middle of the hallway. 

“For science!” they claimed, giggling to themselves as they sauntered away with their newly obtained and very valuable info.

Byul had stood in the middle of the hallway, flabbergasted and with only one shoe on. On her birthday a month later, the same friends gave her the grey pair of Vans that she had fallen in love with at the mall. In her exact size.

Now, Byul laughed at the memory. Her friends had always felt more like family than... _ oh, God that's awful. Don’t think that. Shut up,  _ she thought, reminding herself that she was supposed to love her family more than anything.

Holding the silver framed photo of the young ballerina, Byul noted her nine year old self’s petite and feminine features. Young Byulie wore a pink and light green leotard and tutu, complete with rosy blush and a fake flower resting delicately on her ballet bun. 

The contrast was astonishing. As she placed the picture down carefully on the vanity, Byul wondered how much she might change in college compared to now.

_______________

A lot, would be the answer. Although she worked her ass off in high school, university was ten thousand times more difficult, to say the least. She barely left the library, except to eat or get coffee that didn’t taste like gasoline. 

Dressing herself in the morning was a struggle. While she did take pleasure in creating aesthetically pleasing and minimalist outfits, in university she basically lived and thrived in her sweatshirt, decorated with her school colors (light blue and white). 

Though she thoroughly enjoyed her classes as a biology major, her heart yearned to take more fine arts classes. She greatly missed the satisfaction of writing poetry, painting the sunset, or occasionally, singing. Unfortunately, there simply wasn’t time for her to indulge herself in these pointless hobbies, she constantly reminded herself. 

Swinging her legs under the library table as she attempted to focus on learning the Nitrogen Cycle for her Environmental 101 lecture ( _ who the fuck cares?  _ she thought to herself), Byul glanced out the window for a break from the eye strain. As she blinked to adjust to the sudden change in distance (her eyes were bad, sue her), she almost choked as she made eye contact with a fellow student walking outside the library.

The student’s bleach blonde, shoulder-length hair flowed gently in the wind, captivating Byul instantly. Her floral sundress showed off her...incredible...figure ( _ holy shit,  _ Byul thought to herself, _ that was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen! Is it legal for people to look like that? What’s her name? Who is she? _ ), and the classy dark sunglasses only served to intrigue Byul more. The stunning, and definitely older, student in question turned in Byul’s direction, and the latter could have sworn that the beautiful stranger smiled.

Safe to say, Byul could not focus on the nitrogen cycle for the rest of the day.

  
  


___________________

  
  


**_September 15, 2020_ **

Finally (somewhat) adjusted to college life, Byul found it much easier to interact with her suitemates in the cramped and ancient-looking dorm building. Her closest friends, Goeun and Seoyoung, were the only reason she ate at least two meals a day. If it were up to her, she would live and die in the historic library, surviving off of instant coffee and noodles. 

Goeun, a psychology major, thrived off of psychoanalyzing Byul’s past. Byul found it  _ mostly  _ endearing, although a little overwhelming at times. It seemed that she had more problems than she was aware.

“Did you know sleep deprivation greatly increases your risk for Type Two diabetes?” Goeun excitedly questioned Byul one day in their common room. The comfortable space was littered with empty coffee cups, old exam papers with answer keys, and several dozen highlighters (with matching stationary, of course. Seoyoung simply couldn’t resist  _ anything  _ cute.)

Byul stared at her fourth cup of coffee of the day, placed it gently on the wooden table, and made eye contact with Goeun. “Thank God I sleep 8 hours a night,” she deadpanned.

“I’m serious, Byul! You need to sleep more, it’s concerning,” she lectured, taking on the confident air of the doctor that Byul someday hoped to be. Reaching for her green tea, she nudged Seoyoung, who was deeply immersed in her mathematics textbook, for support.

“What?” Seoyoung chirped, adjusting her thin glasses as she looked away from her reading. Young for her class, Seoyoung was more on the shy side, which was completely fine with Byul. Sometimes college students could be so damn loud.

“Goeun was trying to guilt me into sleeping more, even though she knows I have three exams this week,” Byul explained, rolling her eyes at Goeun’s good intentions.

Seoyoung giggled. “Like she’d ever be able to convince you of that.” 

Byul was grateful at least someone understood her. How was she supposed to get accepted into medical school and become a world-renowned surgeon if she didn’t study in undergrad? How was she supposed to support herself once she came out, and her parents inevitably disowned her? She’d be in deep shit if her work-ethic wasn’t so damn impressive, or as Goeun would call it “self-destructive.”

Goeun huffed, pulling Byul out of her thoughts. “Sleep is just as important as reading your stupid textbook for the fifteenth time. You can’t memorize shit if you don’t allow your brain time to rest and process the information! I know you’re worried about your family kicking you out and everything, but that’s not until, like, three years from now. Focus on now, Byul. Focus on your health.  _ Please _ .” She finished, giving Byul her best puppy-dog eyes in the hopes of getting through to her.

Byul looked away from Goeun’s intense eye contact. She hadn’t told them yet. She had only realized last night that once fall semester ended, it would make her physically sick to move back in with her parents. She couldn’t handle the toxicity, the homophobia, the constant feeling that she  _ wasn’t enough.  _ While experiencing this epiphany the night before at 3 a.m., Byul had made up her mind.

When fall semester ended, she would come out to her parents. She would end this suffering once and for all. It was too goddamn hard to pretend to be someone else. To  _ wish  _ she were someone else, in the hopes that her parents would accept her. Byul knew she’d be losing her family once the time came to show them who she really was. But wouldn’t it be better to live authentically? To not be afraid all the time? She knew how her mother felt about gay people. It was no secret. But God, the thought of listening to that shit, that abusive, horrifically insulting  _ bullshit _ that her mother had no problem spewing. She couldn’t do it anymore.

At least she had until the end of the semester to figure things out.

  
  


**September 21, 2020**

“Shit, have you seen how bad Corona has gotten in the past few weeks?” Seoyoung asked Byul and Goeun, interrupting their study session in the campus cafe. “Cases have risen so much that they’re closing the bars, shopping malls… pretty much everything non-essential tomorrow.” 

Byul looked up from her iced americano in mild panic. “Wait, what’s gonna happen to us, then? If they’re closing  _ shopping malls  _ then what are they doing about schools? What about universities? Oh, my god are they gonna-”

Goeun suddenly grabbed Byul and pulled her into a tight hug. “Relax, sweetheart,” she murmured, holding her even closer in order to calm her down.

“No, but what if-” Byul started, slightly muffled by Goeun’s thick, dark green turtleneck that her face was buried into. 

“No ‘what if’s’ Byul, it’ll be fine. Please, take a deep breath. You’re okay.” Goeun reassured her, slowly playing with her friend’s hair. The former had years of experience helping Byul with her mental health. Ever since they met in early high school, Goeun had taken on an almost motherly role when she observed Byul’s (unintentional) self-destructive habits and major anxiety. She was also aware of every  _ single  _ homophobic comment Byul’s mother had ever made. The level of concern she had for Byul’s wellbeing was greatly increased by how often Byul made a self-deprecating comment about her sexuality or personality. It was painful to watch her closest friend suffer so much, and she felt obligated to protect her at all costs,  _ especially  _ from her family.

Byul finally gave in and melted into Goeun’s comforting hold. Maybe everything would turn out okay. She just couldn’t stomach the thought of returning home. God, she really hoped she could stay.

“Byul, honey, you know that we’ll still be here for you even if we get sent home. It’s not gonna be like before, okay? You don’t have to be scared.” Seoyoung comforted her. As the youngest of the mini friend group, she was babied the most, but she felt just as comfortable taking care of others. Like Goeun, she understood Byul’s home situation and how terrifying it would be to go back. Unlike Goeun, she too understood Byul’s fear, as she was bisexual. It helped her to relate to Byul’s sexuality crises, but her own family was very accepting of her identity. She could only help her friend so much.

Byul sniffled, clearly trying to calm down before coming out of her Goeun cocoon. Eventually, she pulled her head away and took a deep, settling breath before speaking. “Thank you guys. I’m just overreacting, I’m sorry.”

Goeun held on to Byul’s shoulders and looked her directly in the eye, the most serious she had been this whole time. “Stop it. We talked about this. You aren’t a burden to us. We care about you.” 

Seoyoung nodded from her chair at the opposite side of the table. Fiddling with her gold necklace, she smiled at her two friends in a show of support. Although she wasn’t as wordy as Goeun, she often showed her affection through actions. Every Sunday, she helped Byul clean her dorm room (it got pretty messy when the latter was too focused on studying), and bought her a matcha latte afterwards (Byul’s favorite).

Byul glanced around the cafe they were seated in, suddenly aware that they were in public and she was having a  _ meltdown.  _ “Yeah, I know, I know, I’m sor-”

Goeun fixed her with a stern stare, and Byul immediately cut herself off. 

“Okay. I know. I don’t have to apologize. I’m just-” she started over, unable to collect her thoughts enough to express her fear.

Seoyoung flashed her with her adorable smile that always made Byul feel better. “We know. We know you’re scared. Nothing’s gonna happen.” 

Byul slowly exhaled, beginning to feel better. “Thank you guys. I really love you, you know?”

Goeun and Seoyoung giggled and shook their heads laughing. “Really?” they joked at the same time. 

Byul joined in on their laughter, enjoying the calm and productive atmosphere of the cafe they were in. The warm lighting soothed her fears, and the pastries they had snacked on were absolutely delicious. Something about good coffee gave her such a tranquil feeling. Before she could enjoy the moment for too long, all three of the girls’ phones buzzed simultaneously. 

Goeun picked hers up first, eyes widening in shock and glued to the screen as she read. Seoyoung immediately picked up her phone to see what was wrong, since Goeun seemed unable to speak. Before Byul could ask what had happened, she began to read the message from the chancellor aloud: 

_ “Due to the unexpected and rapid spread of COVID-19, all students living in campus housing will be required to move out within the next 72 hours. The remaining part of fall semester will be taught online. Spring semester will most likely be taught online. Thank you for your cooperation.” _

Seoyoung finished speaking, wincing as she anticipated Byul’s response. But when she looked up from her phone, Byul was fleeing the coffee shop, quickly disappearing to the outside world.


	2. do your worst

She didn’t know where she was going. Somewhere safe. Anywhere safe. It was all happening too fast. She wasn’t supposed to go home this soon. She was supposed to have more time. Maybe if she kept running, kept going, she could find somewhere. Surely, this couldn’t be it? Her plan was falling apart. She was supposed to come out in December. Not fucking September. 

As she sprinted through campus, appearing to be in the middle of a psychotic break to anyone watching, she found herself out of breath and nearly tripping over her beloved Vans. She was losing it. How could the other students not fucking care? They looked mildly disappointed at most at the catastrophic news. Her life was falling apart and half the student body was just having a normal fucking day.

I don’t have any money. I don’t have any money, she realized in a panic. How was she supposed to afford somewhere to live? She had only been working at her part time job at the campus coffee shop for less than a month! Apartments on and near campus were astronomical prices, ones that Byul couldn’t even think about affording.

It was nearing sunset, and the cooler temperature grounded Byul enough that she realized she needed to rest. Eyeing the music building, she decided to slow down and trudge up the muddy stone steps to the entrance of the building. This is as good as it’s gonna get, I guess, she thought. Collapsing against the wall near the far right of the building, she attempted to catch her breath. I need a new plan. 

Closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead to mitigate the massive headache she’d been dealing with (perks of sleep deprivation), Byul considered her options. 

Go back home. Don’t come out. Suffer more.  
Come out, get disowned, and beg to stay with a friend.   
Come out, get disowned, and drop out of college and create an onlyfans account.

Okay, so she didn’t really have a viable option. God, what am I supposed to do? Fuck. She put her head in her hands and tried to clear her head. Everything felt like too much. She was too young for this. Too young to be losing her mind and her family. Her headache slowly worsened, increasing her anxiety and agitation. Today really wasn’t Byul’s day.

“Oh my God, are you alright?” an unknown, yet light and empathetic voice asked.

Byul slowly lifted her head to answer the stranger. She really didn’t feel like dealing with this right now. She was fine, thank you very much.

But when she finally made eye contact with the stranger, she nearly choked.

It was the beautiful, blonde stranger Byul had seen the other day while studying the nitrogen cycle. Clothed in light-blue jeans and a soft white knit sweater, the angel assessed Byul with concern in her twinkling eyes. She leaned down further to crouch in front of the younger student. Her gorgeous blonde hair fell in delicate waves, framing her face so perfectly. 

“What happened?” she questioned, carefully putting down her take-out box (was that tteokbokki? Damn, Byul was hungry.) “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Byul’s eyes widened in realization that she was expected to answer. “Oh, I, um…I’m fine. I’m sorry. Thank you, but I’m okay, I promise.” She moved to stand up, but the older student immediately blocked her movement.

“You’re not going anywhere, honey. You’re bleeding.”

Byul tilted her head in confusion. She wasn’t bleeding. She was fine, she just...oh. Oh. She was bleeding. Shit. She glanced down at her skinned knees in distress. When did that happen? What the fuck? She must have tripped in the street while running. 

“I’m okay. I was running, and I must have tripped,” Byul replied, mesmerized by the stranger’s face. 

The stranger laughed softly, shaking her head. “Let me help. I want to clean your knees so they don’t become infected. I might be just a music major, but I do know a little bit about medicine. Enough to know that you need to get cleaned up, or you’re gonna look a lot worse than you do now.”

Undecided on whether or not she should be offended by that last comment, Byul decided the stranger was probably right. “Okay, just give me a second to stand up-”

She shifted her weight in an attempt to rise.

And everything went black.

______________________

Slowly opening her eyes, Byul blinked to adjust to the lighting. Confused, she tried to sit up and nearly blacked out in the process. Collapsing against the enormous and incredibly comfortable pillow placed behind her head, she exhaled deeply and stared at the ceiling.

Wait. Ceiling?

“Oh, good, you’re awake!” a cheerful voice echoed through the room. Wincing at the sudden noise, Byul shifted her gaze to see her savior bouncing through the doorway carrying a tray covered in sweets and different teas.

“Wh-” Byul choked out, voice cracking from disuse, “where am I?”

“My apartment. You passed out when you tried to stand up next to the music building. You remember that, right?” the beautiful woman answered, setting down the tray of refreshments on the nightstand next to Byul. 

Byul cringed. Yes, she did remember. So fucking embarrassing. Can she not get through one day without a catastrophe? “Yeah, I remember. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to-” she started to apologize.

“Hey. Cut it out. You needed help. And I’m happy to help,” the older student smiled. She and Goeun should be friends, Byul thought. So protective.

“Well...yeah. I guess you’re right. Thank you…I’m sorry, I don’t know your name,” Byul spoke softly.

The older girl smiled again. “Kim Yongsun. Pleasure to meet you, sweetheart.”

Byul blushed. “Thank you, Yongsun-ssi. I’m Moonbyul, but most of my friends just call me Byul.”

Yongsun shook her head. “Call me unnie. I think we’re close enough now, especially after your fainting episode. I’ve been cleaning your wounds periodically for the past few hours-”

“Hours?!” Byul exclaimed, horrified. Goeun and Seoyoung were gonna kill her. 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. My roommates have been gone all day, so it’s just us here. I’ve called my mom to ask her for an emergency appointment about your fainting, just to make sure you don’t have a concussion or anything. I caught you just before you hit the ground, but I still wanna make sure you’re all good. You looked pretty, uh, exhausted when I first saw you sitting outside,” Yongsun explained, attempting to calm Byul down.

Unfortunately, Byul had just connected the dots.

Yongsun’s mom was Dr. Kim. The Dr. Kim. As in, Chief of Surgery at Seoul General Hospital. As in, Byul’s literal goddess and idol.

“Emergency appointment?” she managed to cough out. Realizing she was still lying in Yongsun’s (or was it a guest room?) bed, she threw back the blankets and shuffled so that she could face Yongsun head on. “With...your mom?”

Yongsun giggled. “Yep. We can leave in a few minutes, since you’re awake now. Do you want me to call someone?”

Byul shook her head. “That’s okay, thank you. I can call my friends. I’ll just let them know that I’m okay.” She had so much to tell them. And a lot of apologizing for being MIA for several hours.

Yongsun nodded. “Okay, just come out whenever you’re ready. I’ll be waiting in the kitchen.” She tilted her head towards the tray of food and drinks. “You better eat something. I’m serious. I can’t have you fainting in my car on the way to the hospital.” She finished her demand with a wink and a small smile.

Byul bowed as much as she could, still seated in the bed, as Yongsun left the room. 

Wait. Yongsun has her own car? 

Hold up, Byul thought, remembering an earlier part of their conversation. She...caught me? Byul’s eyes widened.

I literally fell for her. 

_______________________

“You’re WHERE?” Goeun’s voice screamed through Byul’s phone. The latter cringed at the volume, moving the phone away from her ear slightly.

“I’m at Kim Yongsun-unnie’s house. You know,” Byul leaned forward to make sure nobody was listening at the door, “that really fucking pretty music major who walks past my spot at the library all the time and I talk about her constantly because how can someone look like that? And she has the most beautiful smile and she’s so nice, Goeun, you’re gonna love her.”

“Wait,” Goeun said. “Did you just call her unnie?”

Byul grinned slightly and replied, “She asked me to, Goeun. And guess what I realized! I literally fell for her when I passed out because she caught me and-”

“YOU PASSED OUT?”  
______________

After reassuring Goeun for the fortieth time that she was fine and that Yongsun was taking her to the hospital to make sure everything was okay (and to tell Seoyoung not to worry; the poor girl was probably beside herself with stress), Byul hung up the phone.

Grabbing a macaron (what kind of university student just casually has macarons in their apartment?) and taking a sip of the sparkling water that Yongsun had left for her (gross, but whatever), Byul took in her surroundings for the first time.

The bedroom was massive. Bigger than two of Byul’s dorm rooms. A floral bedspread adorned the king-size bed that Byul had rested on earlier after fainting. At least six pillows lay scattered on top, all solid pastel colors that brightened up the room. The elegant furniture gave the room a classy and tasteful look. She glanced toward the open window, realizing that it was probably around eight o’clock at night based on the lack of light outdoors. 

Still feeling guilty for intruding on Yongsun’s home and privacy, Byul quickly took one last bite of a small pastry and grabbed her jacket. 

Quietly closing the bedroom door behind her, Byul tucked her dark hair behind her ear. It somehow felt rude to leave any trace of her presence here, like she wasn’t worthy of being in such a colossal and expensive apartment. 

As she padded through the abnormally large hallway, she noticed three other rooms with the doors shut. Yongsun had mentioned she had roommates, right? I wonder who they are. Each door was decorated with a pastel painting of a single letter.

H, in a soft yellow.

Y, in a sky blue.

W, in pure white.

Okay, so Yongsun was clearly the “Y.” But who were the other two?

“Hurry up, Byul-ah! I’m starving!” Yongsun’s voice echoed from the main sitting area through the hallway. As Byul reached the end of the hallway, she turned to see Yongsun relaxed on a large white couch, seemingly ending a phone conversation.

“Sorry, I was making sure Goeun wasn’t gonna call the police on me for a missing person’s case. Did I interrupt something?” she asked, motioning to the phone Yongsun was putting away in her light pink purse. 

“Nope, you’re good. That was just my mom. She ordered some food for us at the hospital once we’re done with your exam. Are you ready to go?” she replied, standing up and stretching.

Byul was dumbfounded. She had only just met Yongsun a couple hours ago, and now her mom was buying them all dinner? 

“Yeah, I’m ready. Sorry again for...all of this,” she answered sheepishly.

Yongsun rolled her eyes. “If you apologize one more time for something that you 100% deserve, I’m going to eat your dinner.”

Byul giggled, slightly more comfortable around the older student.

“Oh! You need a jacket. It’s getting pretty cold,” Yongsun said. “Let me find you one real quick.” She immediately turned to make the trek through that long-ass hallway to her closet to find a suitable coat.

Byul couldn’t even formulate a response. This couldn’t be real. Yongsun wanted her to wear her jacket. This was straight out of a shitty rom-com.

Rushing back into the common room, Yongsun held up an alluring dark-grey winter coat. Complete with expensive-looking black buttons and white fur lining the hood, Yongsun could have taken it right out of a fashion magazine.

“Unnie, I-I can’t wear that,” Byul stuttered.

Yong cocked her head in confusion. “Why not?”

“I-” Byul started, unable to find a valid reason. All she knew was that she just...wasn’t worthy of that jacket.

“That’s what I thought,” Yong smirked. “You’ll look amazing, I promise.”

Byul immediately took the jacket.

_____________________

“Do I really have to wear this hospital gown, unnie? I’m really fine, I-” Byul complained, fidgeting in the uncomfortable clothing she had changed into in her hospital room. Not that she wasn’t grateful for Yongsun’s help, she just didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

“Part of the protocol. Sorry, babe,” Yong replied, winking. Lounging on one of the many chairs in the (was this the VIP suite? Why was it so big and fancy?) room, she observed Byul with an amused expression.

Byul huffed, wishing this would be over already (but not really. Maybe I could spend more time with Yongsun-unnie if the doctor takes a long time getting here-)

Suddenly, a loud knock pierced the girls’ comfortable silence. 

“Come in!” Yong answered cheerfully.

The door opened to reveal a tall, confident woman wearing pink scrubs under her white lab coat. Her makeup was natural, but emphasized her long dark lashes and clear skin. Her pearly-white smile immediately charmed and comforted Byul. Until she remembered that this was The Dr. Kim. 

“Hello! My name is Dr. Kim. I’m Yong’s mother, if she hasn’t told you yet. It’s a pleasure to meet you Moonbyul-ah,” the woman said. “Yongsunnie has told me a lot about you, including your little fainting spell earlier today. How are you feeling now?”

Byul blushed for what felt like the eightieth time that day. “I’m much better now. I was just scared and tired and kinda in the middle of a panic attack-”

“You were having a panic attack?” Yongsun interrupted, extremely concerned.

Dr. Kim gave her daughter a warning look to not interrupt, and Yongsun quieted immediately. 

Byul fiddled with her hospital bracelet, staring at her name and birth date: Moon Byul. December 22, 2001. She was used to panic attacks. She’d been having them since like...2016. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t strange to her anymore. She was on antidepressants and had beta blocker medication if she felt an anxiety attack coming on. Even though she was used to them, it still made her a little uneasy to talk about it with others.

“Yeah,” she finally muttered. “Yeah, I was. But I’m okay.”

Yongsun furrowed her brows and seemed even more worried, if that was possible.

“Okay,” Dr. Kim said. “I just need to run some tests to make sure all of your basic health is okay. Are you sure you’re okay with Yong being in here? I can kick her out if you want. No harm, no foul.”

Byul shook her head. “No, she’s fine. I’d actually rather her be in here...hospitals make me kinda nervous.”

Dr. Kim nodded and smiled empathetically. She stood from her stool and turned towards the cabinets behind her to gather some supplies. “If you’ll roll up your sleeve so I can attach the tourniquet for your blood draw, that would be very helpful.”

Byul stopped breathing. “No,” she replied, shaking. “No, please no, you don’t have to, I’m fine, please don’t,” she whimpered, attempting to move away from the hospital bed. 

Yongsun instantly stood up, in fear that Byul was having another panic attack. She rushed over to the bed and held Byul’s face in her hands. “Hey, you’re okay, nobody’s gonna hurt you,” she consoled the scared patient.

Byul’s eyes were continuing to fill with tears as she eyed the needle that Dr. Kim was holding. “Unnie, please, make it stop, please, make it stop,” she cried, unable to control her immediate reaction.

Dr. Kim put the supplies back in the cabinet at once. “Moonbyul-ah, it’s okay. It’s just a blood draw. I promise it won’t hurt too much.”

Byul looked up from her position on the bed with a pained expression. “I can’t do it. Please. Don’t make me.” She grabbed the blanket on the bed and pulled it close to her chest, huddling closer to Yongsun in fear of the doctor approaching her.

Yongsun looked between the terrified patient and her mom. “Eomma, can we have a few minutes?”

Dr. Kim nodded, smiling faintly. She was so proud of her daughter for turning out to be so caring and empathetic, even towards this young girl whom she had only met a few hours earlier. Turning to leave the room, she felt confident that her daughter would be able to make the younger student calm down, at least somewhat.

Watching her mother exit the room, Yongsun turned her attention to the crying girl. “Byulie, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Byul opened her eyes, not even realizing she had closed them from fear. She surveyed the examination room, waiting for Dr. Kim to pop out with another needle.

“She left, Byulie. We’re gonna sit here and talk for a few minutes until you calm down, okay? Now, can you tell me what’s going on?” the older student softly asked.

Clearing her throat, Byul shifted on the bed, motioning for Yongsun to join her. They sat side by side on the soft bed, Byul leaning into Yong’s side. Exhausted after her panic attack, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to explain.

“When I was nine, my little brother, Min-jun, was diagnosed with Type One diabetes. He was only six at the time.” She inhaled slowly, turning her head to gaze into Yongsun’s glittering eyes. “We noticed something was wrong when he would get dizzy randomly, or pass out, or get super irritable if he ate a bunch of food all at once. My mom called the doctor, and they pricked his finger to check his blood sugar level. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the number: 538 mg/dL. People without diabetes normally have a blood sugar around 90 to 100 mg/dL. They rushed him to the hospital, obviously. Within hours, they confirmed it was Type One diabetes.”

Yongsun reached up to card her fingers through Byul’s hair. “I’m sorry,” she murmured.

Byul nodded. “They kept him in the hospital for days. Pricking his finger, trying out different insulin pens, teaching my family how to inject insulin. He has an insulin pump now, but at the time it was too expensive for us to afford, so we just used regular needles.” She shivered at the memory. “Those days in the hospital...the sound of the pricker...it all combined into one horrible memory for me. I was so, so afraid for Min-jun. I thought he was...I thought he was gonna die. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years later because of that week in the hospital. My thing with needles...needles make me feel like Min-jun is getting hurt all over again. That he’s going through that pain and fear all over again. God, I would switch with him in a heartbeat. He was so afraid, unnie,” she said, tearing up again. 

“I know, Byulie. I’m sorry,” Yongsun replied. “But you’re safe now, okay? And I can hold your hand through the blood draw. Min-jun is safe, okay? He’s safe. Look at me.” She lightly took hold of Byul’s chin, pulling her closer. “He’s okay.”

Byul took a shaky breath and gave Yongsun her best smile. “Thank you, unnie.”

Yongsun beamed at her. “No problem. Can I ask you something, though?”

Byul tilted her head in confusion, but nodded.

“Don’t you wanna be a doctor? Aren’t needles kinda like...part of the job description?”

Byul rolled her eyes. “I can deal with needles, just as long as they’re not coming anywhere near me. I could give you a shot right now with no hesitation, but I guarantee you that the second your mom walks in this room I’m gonna koala-bear you.”

Yongsun giggled. “I’m okay with that.”

_________________

After the blood draw (not as bad as Byul thought it would be), Dr. Kim began to ask Byul some basic questions.

“Do you eat three meals a day?” (Well…)  
“Do you take any supplements?” (Nope)  
“How many hours do you sleep a night, on average?” (Uh…)  
“Do you use drugs?” (No, Byul was too scared. And too smart.)  
“Are you sexually active?” (Byul’s face had never felt hotter.)  
“Have you ever had a concussion?” (Yes, once she had been kicked in the head during a soccer game. How does that even happen?)

Yong had attentively watched Byul’s reactions to each question. Why was she so hesitant to answer the ones about sleeping or eating? She thought.

As the questions finally came to an end, Byul remained glued to Yongsun’s side. Something about her warmth made Byul less anxious about the whole visit. She almost forgot why she was there in the first place. Or what had happened earlier in the day before she met Yongsun.

“As far as I can tell,” Dr. Kim said, “your fainting spell was most likely caused by the combination of a lack of sleep, nutrition, and your panic attack. All I can recommend is that you get eight hours of sleep a night and try to eat more than one meal during the day. I know you college students like to suffer, but try to take care of yourself, okay?”

Byul nodded. “Thank you, Doctor-nim.”

“Of course. Your dinner is in the break room. Unfortunately, I was just paged down to the ER, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you two for dinner. Please enjoy it.” Dr. Kim finished.

Byul bowed, grateful for the examination and the meal.

Yongsun hugged her mother goodbye.

And now, Byul realized, she was going to have dinner with the glamorous, kind upperclassman who calmed her down through two panic attacks, and now knew her deepest secrets and fears.

How was she ever going to survive this?


	3. never knew how much it would hurt to feel

Dinner turned out to be tteokbokki, much to Byul’s amusement.

Lightly giggling as she pulled the takeout box out of the plastic bag, she glanced up at Yongsun. “Weren’t you eating this like, a few hours ago? When you were walking out of the music building?” She leaned over to help Yongsun untie the plastic bag containing their meal.

Yongsun frowned playfully. “You act like this isn’t God’s gift to mankind. Now, shut up and eat before I take yours.” She grabbed her chopsticks, split them, and dug in.

Byul stared at the older girl, endeared by Yongsun’s obsession and enthusiasm with the rice cakes. Realizing she probably looked really creepy, she quickly turned away and shifted uncomfortably in the cheap break room chair.

Continuing to feast, Yongsun took a drink of water and looked at Byul. “Why aren’t you eating?” she asked.

“Oh,” Byul said, “Sorry. I was just...I don’t know. I guess I’m not used to eating such a big meal. It’s a little overwhelming. I’m not sure where to start,” she finished, laughing.

Yong smiled, her confused expression turning soft. “You should be eating this much every day, honey. Three meals a day. How much do you regularly eat?”

Byul avoided eye contact, preferring to play with her unused chopsticks. “I usually just have like...some ramen or something. It’s not that big of a deal. Food can just be expensive, especially as a college student you know? And once I get kicked out I won’t be able to afford-” She immediately cut herself off. “Nevermind, sorry. I eat enough, I promise.”

Her reassurances did nothing to console Yongsun. “Kicked out?” she asked, horrified. “What are you talking about?” She carefully put down her chopsticks and leaned forward to listen, forgetting about her meal entirely.

“It’s nothing, I shouldn’t have said that, don’t worry about it. How’s your meal? Better than lunch?” Byul joked, making every attempt to change the subject. She turned away from Yongsun, looking down at her dinner in order to avoid eye contact.

Unfortunately for Byul, Yongsun wasn’t so easily distracted. “Nope. We’re talking about this,” she replied, moving her chair closer to Byul’s. She grabbed one of Byul’s hands and held it gently. “Please tell me what you mean.”

Byul sighed, tired of fighting after such a long day. “Well, I’m gay.”

Yongsun snorted. “I would sure hope so. It’s the only explanation for why you’ve been giving me heart eyes all day.” She reached back and took another bite of her tteokbokki while Byul cringed internally (and externally.)

“I-yeah. Sorry,” she apologized, wishing to be anywhere other than the small break room with the shitty air conditioning and old plastic table covered in tteokbokki. “I haven’t come out to my family yet. I was planning on doing it once fall semester ended, but then COVID happened. The university is kicking us out of our dorms three days from now.”

Yongsun’s eyes widened in worry. “So you have to go home now? And do online school? I didn’t know the university was closing its dorms. God, I’m so sorry.”

Byul laughed dryly. “It’s not the university kicking me out that I’m worried about. I can’t go home. From the day I arrived at college, I knew that I couldn’t go back to my old life. I had to hide myself for so many years. I can’t even explain how much that fucked me up mentally. When I lived at home, I was just used to pretending to be someone else. It was a part that I had to play for my own safety.”

Yong raised an eyebrow in question. “Safety?” she asked.

“My mom is...violently homophobic,” Byul explained. She had told this story so many times to so many people, that at this point, she was speaking on auto-pilot. “She’s told me she’d rather be dead than have a gay child and other shit like that. She’ll take away my college tuition if she finds out I’m not straight.” Byul finished her statement, her expression still stoic and unmoved.

Tightening her grip on Byul’s hand, Yongsun stared deeply into the younger girl’s exhausted eyes. “So… you have to choose between coming out or having money for college.”

Byul nodded. “I already made my decision. I have to move on, and I have to be myself. I just didn’t realize I was gonna have to do it so soon. I thought I at least had until the end of fall semester. It’s all happening so fast, and I’m just so fucking terrified. I’ve never had to support myself completely on my own. I know it sounds kinda stupid to put this on myself when I don’t have to, especially when I’m already so stressed because of my studies. But I just have to do it. I can’t fucking live like this, unnie.” She inhaled slowly and smiled at the older girl, blinking back unwanted tears. “I have to move on.”

Yongsun blinked slowly, processing everything Byul had told her. “So, do you know when you’re gonna do it?”

“Tomorrow. I can’t handle doing it today. It’s been a long day, and it’s too late already,” Byul replied.

Yongsun pouted, smiling playfully.

“Okay, it was nice meeting you. Not the part about you figuring out I like you or whatever, but the tteokbokki is nice,” Byul joked.

Yongsun smirked. “You’re not very sneaky. Ogling me as I walked past the library without caring if I noticed? Running straight to the music building while having a panic attack? Little obvious, babe. How did you know I was a music major though?”

Byul fiddled with soft sleeves of the grey jacket Yongsun had loaned her. “When you walked past the library, I saw a ton of sheet music poking out of your bag, so I just assumed.” She blushed a vibrant red. “I like to write music sometimes. It doesn’t quite fit in with the whole bio major, pre-med track thing, but it’s relaxing.”

Yongsun jumped out of her chair. “YOU WRITE MUSIC??!! OH MY GOD, SHOW ME EVERYTHING!!!” As she catapulted herself out of her seat, she managed to knock over an unopened plastic bag that Byul hadn’t noticed earlier.

“Okay, okay, I will, but what’s that?” Byul asked, pointing to the fallen package.

“Oh!” Yongsun grinned. “Tanghulu! I forgot to get it out. It’s our dessert!”

“Tanghulu?” Byul questioned. 

Yongsun shook her head in disbelief, grabbing the package in question. “You’re gonna love it. But you gotta show me your music first.”

Byul blushed, yet again. “O-okay. It’s in my dorm though. It’s on the opposite side of campus. And it’s already really late. What time is it?” She pulled out her phone, turning it on to look at the time. “Oh my God, it’s ten p.m.? Goeun and Seoyoung must be so worried by now, fuck.”

“Just text them real quick,” Yongsun suggested. “You can stay over at my apartment for the night in the guest room you were incapacitated in earlier,” she added with a wink. “Oh! My roommates are doing a mini noraebang tonight if you wanna join! You can show me a demo of your music.”

_ Oh. Yongsun just asked her to stay the night. This was the weirdest day of her life. _

___________________________

Yongsun’s apartment was just as mind-blowing to Byul as the first time she saw it, even from the outside. She lived in a penthouse, far more expensive than Byul could ever imagine affording. As Yong fiddled with her keys, searching for the right one to open the door, Byul smiled to herself. Earlier today, she was just a lonely freshman buried under a mountain of homework. Now, just a few hours later, she was about to enter the apartment of the most beautiful upperclassman on campus, for the second time that day.  _ And she was staying the night.  _

“Here it is!” Yonsung exclaimed, pushing the key into the locked door. Byul followed Yong into the apartment, still not quite believing that she was actually there. They walked down the hallway covered in pictures of Seoul’s skyline at night towards the shared sitting room, where two other female students (presumably the H and W) were napping next to each other on the enormous L-shaped leather couch.

Yongsun threw her purse down on the kitchen table and motioned for Byul to follow her. Quietly, Yong tip-toed around the couch, crouched down...and screamed.

“WAKE UP!”

The two previously-napping girls awoke with a start.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” the girl with long, light brown hair screamed, falling off the couch. Byul flinched, but didn’t react fast enough to catch her before she hit the floor with a thud. Yongsun merely giggled.

“Huh?” the other student who remained on the couch asked in confusion. “What’s going on?” Her wavy red hair was tangled and sticking up in random places due to her previous sleeping position. She struggled to adjust to the light, her eyes only half open. 

“Good morning, sleepyheads! You told me you’d stay awake for our noraebang tonight, remember?” Yongsun reminded them, leaning down to help the fallen girl off the floor. “Oh, come on, Wheeinie, don’t be mad.”

“Wheeinie” was glaring at Yongsun from her place on the floor. “You could have, I don’t know, gently shaken us awake? Or literally anything besides screaming,  _ dummy _ ,” she remarked, half-playfully and half-dead serious. She began to dust off invisible specks of dirt from her clothes in an effort to show how much Yong was inconveniencing her. 

“Sorry, Wheein. It was too perfect of an opportunity to pass up,” Yong beamed. “Hyejinie, you alright?” she directed the question at the red-head about to fall back asleep.

“What?” she jolted awake once more. “Yeah, I’m good. Just a little startled. Wait, who’s that?” her eyes widened as she noticed Byul shyly looking away from the scene.

“Oh! This is Byul. She fainted in my arms earlier today, and we hung out once she recovered. She writes music too! I thought she might like to join our noraebang,” Yongsun explained, reaching to pull the youngest student closer from her hiding place. The blunt recap of quite extraordinary events did not go unnoticed.

“You fainted? Are you alright?” Wheein asked, all anger dissolved from her expression as she stood up to greet the newcomer. “Do you want some tea or water or something?”

Byul blushed _(God, will that ever stop?)_. “No, thank you. Yongsun-unnie took good care of me. She brought me to her mom’s hospital, and I got checked out and stuff. I just need to sleep more, I think.” 

Wheein turned to glare once more at Yongsun. “Me too,” she said dryly.

Yongsun laughed, glad that Wheein felt comfortable around the new arrival. “You can sleep after our noraebang.” She shifted to help the redhead up from her spot on the couch. “Hyejinie, go get it set up, please. Make sure you’re awake first, though. I’ve spent enough time in the hospital today,” she said, turning to smirk at Byul.

Byul smiled, shaking her head. She was quickly becoming more and more comfortable with Yongsun’s non-stop teasing. It warmed her heart that the older student included her in the friend group’s banter. It felt almost like...home. 

Yong took her by the hand and sat on the couch next to Wheein. As the three students waited for Hyejin to return with the mini-noraebang, Wheein suddenly turned sideways and sat to face Byul and Yongsun.

“Wait, Yong,” she started. “Isn’t this the freshman you were talking about the other day? The one who you saw in the library?”

Byul turned away.  _ How many times were they going to tease her for that?  _ Was Yong accustomed to being the subject of so many underclassmen’s fantasies? 

Yongsun laughed, snuggling in closer to Byul. “Yep. She’s still pretty embarrassed about it. And guess what? She paid enough attention to see my sheet music in my bag and figure out I was a music major,” she said, poking Byul in the side, teasingly.

“Damn, somebody’s attentive. What’s your major, Byul-ah?” Wheein asked.

“Biology,” Byul mumbled, still embarrassed.

“Oh! Me too! I’m on a pre-med track. I’m high-key suffering, but some of the classes are interesting at least. I cannot deal with ecology, though. Why do we even have to take that? When am I ever going to need to know about  _ fish?”  _ Wheein rambled, her tone clearly exasperated. She noticed Byul and Yongsun laughing quietly as she finished. “Hey, what’s so funny? I’m right, and I should say it.”

“Nothing,” Yongsun giggled. The atmosphere quickly turned casual and teasing, and Byul felt so welcomed, even if she was still a little red from the mention of her ogling Yongsun. The apartment was a cool temperature, the slight breeze blowing in through the lavender curtains. She breathed in the fresh air, feeling calm for the first time in so long. The soft leather couch eased her stress as she allowed herself to sink closer to Yongsun, not believing how incredibly tranquil she felt with the older student’s arm around her. She listened absentmindedly as Yong and Wheein jokingly argued about the merits of taking ecology as a biology major. Just as exhaustion from such a long day began to overtake her, Hyejin entered the room with a mini karaoke machine.

“Here we go! I wanna choose the first song!” she demanded. 

_______________

  
  


After about an hour of intensely competitive noraebang, Byul’s sides ached from laughing so much. The older girls had chosen a wide variety of songs, including but not limited to: 

_ Psycho _ by Red Velvet

_ My Heart Will Go On _ by Celine Dion

_ Can You Feel the Love Tonight? _ From the Lion King

_ Red Sun  _ by Dreamcatcher

_ Woman _ by BoA

_ Watermelon Sugar _ by Harry Styles

_ Up All Night  _ by One Direction

The songs in English were hilariously butchered by all of the students except for Byul, who had taught herself English and Spanish for fun.

“Unnie, it’s ‘far across the  _ distance’  _ not ‘far across the  _ diz-dance,’”  _ Byul cackled, falling on to the large couch as Hyejin continued to purposely butcher the English words, loving how Byul laughed and smiled without inhibitions.

“Hey, you’re distracting me!  _ And spaces between us…”  _ Hyejin resumed singing as she poked fun at Byul. 

Yongsun smiled fondly at Byul’s reactions. Snacking on the tanghulu from earlier with Byul laughing at her side, she realized she hadn’t been so happy in months. Not having previously known the extent of Byul’s English, it was needless to say that she was impressed.  _ God, she wanted to see that smile forever. _

As their noraebang session came to an end due to Wheein falling asleep on the couch halfway through “I Will Always Love You,” the girls relaxed on the couch, cuddling and enjoying each other’s presence.

Suddenly, Yongsun shot up, disturbing Hyejin’s comfortable position to her chagrin. “Byul-ah. You never showed me your music.”

Byul slowly opened her eyes. “It’s too late now, unnie. I’ll show you tomorrow.” She started to shut her eyes and relax in the embrace of the older girls. Wheein and Hyejin were fast asleep, even after Yongsun’s movement.

“Nope. I wanna hear now. Sing,” Yongsun demanded, pulling the unnie card.

Byul sighed. “Okay, okay, I’ll sing something, but only because Wheein-unnie and Hyejin-unnie are asleep.”

Yongsun nodded, beyond excited to hear Byulie sing. She shut her eyes and waited for Byul to start, not knowing what to expect.

Byul took a deep breath and began.

_ “ _ _ I don’t mind _

_ Constantly these words by myself _

_ Saying it’s okay _

_ You’re sleeping with your back turned _

_ An absence that can’t be filled _

_ I’m living a twisted life _

_ It’s not that I didn’t know about being left _

_ Eventually all breakups are bound to be sad _

_ Like regret that will be let go if I just let go _

_ I swim in a dark sea _

_ I see the blind end of the beginning.” _

When she finished, she shifted to look up at Yongsun, waiting for a reaction. What she saw was Yongun’s eyes filled with tears, her expression concerned yet undeniably impressed. With the calm wind playing with her soft blonde hair, Yong looked like an angel sent to protect the younger.

“You wrote that?” she asked in shock, her grip around Byul’s shoulders tightening subconsciously.

“Y-yeah,” Byul muttered in response. “It’s about all the heartbreak I’ve experienced throughout my life. I’ve always tried to be okay, to act okay, but I can’t deny that there’s this...this hole inside of me that I can’t seem to fill. An absence of something. I wrote that song trying to figure out what I was missing.” 

Yong stayed silent for a moment. “Your voice is beautiful,” she murmured.

Byul smiled, grateful for the praise. “Thank you, unnie. I like to sing it when I feel alone. It reminds me that I’ve survived all of that, and I’m stronger than I think. When I come out, I know that I’ll be okay. I’m tough enough to handle the emotional and financial strain, no matter how much shit I have to go through. It’s part of the reason I can study so much. I’m working towards a future where I don’t  _ have  _ to be strong. I can just exist and enjoy life.”

“You deserve that. You deserve more than that, Byulie,” Yongsun said, soft and sweet.

Byulie rested against Yong’s body once more. Staring at the ceiling, she inhaled a slow breath, coming to an uncomfortable realization. “I have to come out tomorrow.”

Yong nodded, careful not to move the younger too much. “I’ll be there for you, okay? And you already said it yourself: you’re strong and you’re brave. You can get through this. And if your family does kick you out, you can always come stay with me. Hyejinie and Wheeinie would be delighted to spend more time with you.”

Byul sighed into Yong’s hold, comforted and sure of herself for the first time. “Thank you,” she responded. “Can we sleep now?”

Yong grinned, pleased that Byul wanted to stay with her through the night. “Of course, sweetheart. Can I sing to you so you sleep better?” she asked.

Byul’s eyes twinkled. “Yes, please, unnie.”

Yongsun ran a hand through Byul’s dark hair and let herself get lost in the lullaby.

_ “Can it get better than this? _

_ I’m looking at you and we’re laughing together _

_ You know me better than I know myself _

_ I can’t express this feeling with words _

_ Us right now _

__

_ I’m sorry for always only receiving _

_ Thank you and I love you _

_ When you first made me cry, I remember your words _

_ ‘I won’t let you go’ _

_ I promise you, me too, for always _

_ I love you too.” _


	4. where are we supposed to go from here?

Yongsun awoke to the sound of pained whimpering. Confused and afraid, she jolted upright, looking around her for the source of the worrying noises. Peeking through the lavender curtains on the opposite side of the room, she could tell that it was still pitch black outside. Leaning over to reach her phone sitting on the coffee table, she quickly checked the time: 03:46. It was the middle of the night. What was going on?

Suddenly, the crying noises started again. She looked down and realized Byul was shaking in her arms, still asleep.

“Yongs- Yong- s-unnie, sunnie please,” she cried in her sleep. “Sunnie…” Still trembling, she curled herself into a ball and continued to cry.

“Hey, I’m here, wake up, Byul, you’re okay,” Yong coaxed, unsure what was wrong. “Wake up, baby, I’m right here.” 

Suddenly, Byul sat upright, rapidly searching the room for whoever said her name. “What’s going on?” she asked, unaware of her tear-stained face.

Yongsun wrapped her arms around her tighter. “I think you were having a nightmare. You kept calling my name.” She paused and ran her fingers through the younger girl’s slightly damp hair. “Actually, you were calling me ‘Sunnie.’” She smiled, tilting her head to gauge Byul’s understanding of the last five minutes. “Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”

Byul shut her eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry,” she apologized softly. “I think...I think it was a stress dream. About coming out today.” She rubbed her eyes and attempted to wipe the tears away before Yong could notice.

Yongsun nodded. “I understand. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.” She carded her hands through Byul’s hair, humming the lullaby from earlier in the night to soothe her. “In your dream, I think you were trying to say ‘Yongsun-unnie’ but the ‘sun’ and ‘unnie’ got combined. If you wanna call me ‘Sunnie,’ I would like that,” she added, smiling kindly.

Byul turned on to her side, resting her cheek on Yong’s chest, listening to her heartbeat to calm down. “Okay, Sunnie,” she replied, stomach full of butterflies.

Satisfied that Byul was safe, Yong cherished the warmth of the younger girl’s body snuggling with her. She had taken off the grey jacket Yong loaned her before bed, and was now resting in a loose black tee and grey sweatpants. Absent-mindedly watching Byul’s breathing as it slowed, signally that she was back asleep, Yong never wanted the moment to end.

___________

Stretching, Byul yawned, sat up, and attempted to rub the sleep from her eyes. Realizing where she was, she smiled shyly to herself. She remembered Yong consoling her just a few hours earlier after her nightmare. While she would have been embarrassed a few days ago, she found it sweet that Yong cared so much about Byul’s wellbeing and safety.

Hyejin and Wheein were still asleep, but at some point during the night, they had moved to the opposite side of the couch. Byul glanced over and noticed Hyejin wrapped up in Wheein’s arms. Blushing, Byul realized that she and Yong had slept in the same position last night.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Yongsun’s voice whispered from behind her. Byul turned to see Yong walking around to her side of the couch with two cups of coffee.

Byul gratefully took the cup of coffee and smiled as Yong sat down next to her. “What time is it?” she asked.

“About 07:30. I like to wake up early to watch the sunrise. I didn’t know if you wanted to see it, so I just decided to let you sleep. How are you feeling?” she said, taking a sip of her coffee.

“Nervous,” Byul replied, thinking about the day she had ahead of her. It was Saturday. And probably the biggest day of her life. 

Yong smiled empathetically. “It’ll turn out okay. You’re doing what’s right.”

Byul nodded, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “I hope so. Is it okay if I go to the guest room to make a phone call? I wanna let Goeun and Seoyoung know what’s going on.”

“Of course,” Yongsun replied. “I’ll wake these two up,” she said, motioning to the sleeping roommates. “You probably don’t wanna be there when that happens.” She winked.

Byul stood up, carefully placing her coffee cup on the coaster on the nearby coffee table. She bowed respectfully to the elder, and began to make her way to through the hallway to the guest room.

Scrolling through her phone to find Goeun’s number as she sat on the bed, she smiled to herself. Maybe coming out wouldn’t be so bad if Yongsun was with her. 

The line began to ring as Byul held the phone up to her ear. “Hey, Goeun?” she said once the other girl picked up.

“Hey, Byulie, what’s up? Are you alright?” Goeun’s motherly voice questioned through the phone.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Yongsun-unnie is driving me to my parents’ house. I’m gonna do it,” she replied, already feeling proud of herself, despite the sense of overwhelming dread.

“Do...it? Like, the thing I’m thinking of? Like, you’re gonna come out?” Goeun asked. Byul could hear her fiddling with something on the other side of the line. Probably cleaning, as usual. “You’re gonna tell them?”

Byul exhaled. “Yeah, I am. I just wanted to let you and Seoyoung know, in case I’m not back at the dorm for a few days. I think I might stay with Yongsun-unnie and her roommates for a little bit. I sleep better here, and the shower pressure is definitely better than at the dorm,” she chuckled. “I think it might be good for me to... you know, relax, once all this is over,” she answered, cheeks reddening at the memory of cuddling with Yong.

Goeun made a noise of agreement on the other end of the line. “Okay. Yeah, I think that’ll be good for you. And, hey,” she added, “I believe in you. I know how hard this is for you, and I’m always gonna be here for you, okay? You got this. You’re ready for this.”

Byul smiled. “I know. I love you, Goeun.”

“I love you, too.”

  
  


______________________

  
  


Byul was not ready for this.

After calling her mom to let her know she was covering over for a quick chat (one of the most vague phone calls Byul had ever had), Byul walked out of the apartment building to Yongsun’s car.

Staring at the black Corvette, Byul shook her head. Rich people would continue to confuse her.

A short drive complete with a comfortable silence later, Yongsun parked her car in front of a brick house that Byul suddenly became intensely afraid of. This house used to be her home. She used to run around in the front lawn playing tag and fall down on the green grass. She remembered driving her pink Barbie jeep up and down the driveway until the battery died, pretending that she was some sort of celebrity. The black front door reminded her of every Halloween she spent trick-or-treating in this neighborhood, dressed as a fairy, a cat, or Disney character. How could a place filled with such fond memories stir such fear within her now?

Gulping, Byul turned to face Yongsun in her seat. “I can’t do this.”

Yongsun tilted her head, sympathy written clearly across her face. “This is your decision. But from what I’ve seen, you’re more than ready.” One hand reached across the console and softly stroked Byul’s arm. The touch was soft, yet electrifying, and Byul found herself all consumed with thoughts of Yongsun.

“How?” she croaked out. “I’m so fucking afraid. I have no idea what they’re gonna do to me. I’ve never felt  _ less  _ ready for anything in my life.”

Yongsun continued to reassure the younger with her comforting touches. “You’re brave all the time, that’s why you don’t recognize it now. Pushing yourself so hard in university, caring for others before yourself, surviving what you’ve survived. It’s no small feat that you’re alive right now. What they did to you...what they’re  _ still  _ doing to you, is abuse. You are brave enough to go in there and tell them who you are. You are brave, and beautiful, and intelligent,  _ and _ you like girls. And that’s okay,” Yong said, smiling gently at the shaking girl. “You’re more than okay. You’re wonderful, and you’re Moonbyul. Go. And be who you were meant to be.”

Eyes filling with tears, Byul leaned in for a hug. Happy to oblige, the elder wrapped her arms tightly around the younger girl. They spent a moment entangled in each other’s embrace before Byul pulled away and looked Yongsun straight on.

“I’m wonderful, and I’m Moonbyul,” she repeated, and yanked open the car door, heading for the house.

______________

“When can we move your stuff out of the dorms?” Byul’s mother asked. “I know they said you had 72 hours, so I think today would be best. I’m sorry you have to move out earlier than expected, but we’re more than happy to help-”

“Eomma,” Byul interrupted. “That’s not what I came here to talk about.”

Seated on the brown leather couches in the bonus room from her childhood, Byul looked at her mom and dad. Her mother wore a loose pink blouse and dark dress pants, suitable for a lunch with her friends. She was relaxed against the smaller sofa, playing with the family dog, Hwan. Her father sported a dark green t-shirt and casual jeans. Sat next to Byul’s mom, she found the pair intimidating yet reminiscent of happier times.

“Oh?” her father asked first. “Then what do you want to talk about?”

Byul closed her eyes, willing the courage to come from somewhere deep within her. “There’s something I want to tell you.”

Her mother sat up, gently placing Hwan on the ground. “And what is that?”

“I… I like girls. I’m gay. Or, lesbian, I guess. Yeah,” she sputtered, watching her parents grow more disgusted with every word she uttered. “I know you don’t agree with it, but it’s not something I can change, and this is who I am, and… and I can’t live in fear anymore. I can’t live here anymore. I wasn’t gonna tell you this soon; I was gonna wait until I was financially stable but then COVID happened and-”

Byul’s mother collapsed and fell to the floor. 

Her father slapped Byul before dropping to the floor to help his wife.

And Byul screamed.

_______________________

Sitting in her car with the air conditioning on full blast, Yongsun regretted wearing such a thick sweater today.

Her black knit sweater was a comfortable choice for the dead of winter, not for a randomly hot day in September. She considered driving back to her apartment to change, and even put the keys in the ignition before she stopped dead in her tracks. 

Byul was screaming. 

She threw open the car door and raced up the steps into the house. Still unlocked, she flung open the darkly painted door and swiveled her head left and right to find the source of the screaming. Almost tripping on her black converse, she finally located Byul. 

All she could see inside the sitting room was a woman collapsed on the ground, a man calling 911, and Byul cradling her face. 

What was going on?

She ran to Byul, on the verge of freaking out. “What the fuck happened?” She asked in a panic. 

Byul looked up at her through bloodshot eyes, her face stained with tears. The years of trauma and pain shone through her broken expression. “My mom...she…” Byul choked, suddenly tearing up again. She moved her hand just enough that Yongsun could see the blossoming bruise just under her right eye. 

“She did this to you?” Yongsun asked, fear replaced with rage. 

“No…just...please, help my mom,” she begged, motioning towards the woman on the floor. 

Yongsun turned her attention to the scene. She surveyed the man on the phone with 911, explaining what happened, and made an instinctive decision. 

“The ambulance will take too long to get here,” she said, emotionlessly. “Let’s get her in my car. My mom is the Chief of Surgery. Tell them we’re coming, and we need an AED.”

Byul’s father repeated the information to the person on the other side of the phone. “Okay,” he said, his voice still shaking. “Let’s go.”

______________

“She’s stable. She experienced cardiac arrest, and it was a good thing you called 911 so fast. Is there any family history of heart disease?” Dr. Kim asked Byul’s father. 

“Uh, no. Not that I’m aware of,” he answered, eyes fixed upon his wife, asleep and recovering in the white hospital bed that Byul had been on just a day earlier. 

“Okay,” Dr. Kim said. “We’ll let her rest. Let us know if you notice anything unusual. If she wakes up and is still in pain, call the floor nurse. Thank you,” she finished, leaving the room. 

Byul looked up from her place next to Yongsun. They were sitting in the far corner of the room on a small, dark green couch. For the past hour, she had been biting her nails, randomly tearing up, and squeezing Yongsun’s hand. Making eye contact with her father, she found the courage to speak. “What happens now?”

Byul’s father sighed and shook his head, exhausted and frustrated. “You did this,” he whispered. 

“What?” Byul said, voice wavering. 

“You knew that...you knew that what you told us would hurt us. And you chose to do so anyway. Now look at your mom. She’s had a fucking  _ heart attack  _ because your privileged ass felt the need to fuck everything up. You’re not fucking  _ gay.  _ It’s a phase. You’ll get over it. But it’s inexcusable for you to pull this shit around your mother. Look at her!” He exclaimed, motioning to his sleeping wife. “We’re in a fucking  _ hospital  _ because of you!”

Byul tightened her grip on Yongsun’s hand, unable to formulate a response. 

“Excuse me, sir,” Yong interrupted. “With all due respect, she didn’t do anything. She told you the truth. The truth that she’s been hiding for years because of fear. The fear that you and your wife caused. If anything, you owe her an apology.”

Byul’s father blinked, just now registering that this stranger was still in the room. “And who the fuck are you? Oh, God, don’t tell me you’re Byul’s g-...Byul’s  _ partner.” _

“I am not,” Yongsun answered. “But nothing would make me happier,” she said, turning her gaze to rest on the shell-shocked student sitting next to her. “She’s one of the kindest, most intelligent people I’ve ever met. She deserves more than you. She deserves to be loved for who she is, and you clearly can’t provide that for her.”

Byul’s father sputtered, at a loss for words. He finally settled on glaring on Byul. “You’re out. Do not come back. You’re a fucking disgrace to our family name.”

Byul closed her eyes. 

Yongsun grabbed her hand.

And they walked out of the hospital room together.

  
  


____________________

  
  


“I don’t know why it hurts so bad. I was 100% sure that exact scenario was gonna happen,” Byul confessed, leaning into Yong’s side. Breathing in the fresh air of the night sky on Yong’s rooftop, Byul felt free. The city lights reminded her of constellations, and the cars flowing through the veins of Seoul looked like little bugs from up so high.

“Even if you expect it, it still hurts. You didn’t think your mom would have a heart attack though, so you didn’t predict  _ everything _ ,” Yong joked, holding an ice pack up to Byul’s bruised eye. It was nearing midnight, but she couldn’t bring herself to drag Byul down to the guest bedroom, even if the younger student was yawning so frequently.

“Yeah,” Byul muttered in reply. “I just… I didn’t know it would affect her like that. I mean, it’s not like I killed somebody! God, I feel so fucking guilty…”

Yong frowned and put down the ice pack in favor of lightly grabbing Byul’s chin. “Look,” she said, refusing to break eye contact, “you did what was right. You did something very brave, and I don’t think I could have ever done that. I’m so incredibly proud of you, Byulie. It’s your parents’ fault that they’re so damn close-minded. You deserve to be authentic, and I’m so sorry they took that away from you.”

Byul nodded, smiling a little bit. “Sunnie, did you… did you mean what you said? About...about dating?”

Yong flashed a smile. “Of course I did. I’ve known from the moment I caught you ogling me from the library window with that dopey grin that I wanted to get to know you. And now that I have, I want even more. I wish your parents could see how beautiful you are, Byulie,” she murmured.

Byul blushed as the cool midnight air blew through her hair. “Thank you,” she said.

Yong nodded, and shifted to position the two girls into a lying down position on the rooftop. Once she succeeded, she reached over and covered Byul with a blanket she brought. They stargazed for a while, relaxing and existing in the present moment, until Byul voiced a concern.

“Where are we supposed to go from here?”

Yong sighed contentedly. “Anywhere. As long as we’re together.”

Byul punched her arm softly. “I’m serious.”

Yongsun smiled and turned to put her arm around the girl. “I’m serious, too. You can cancel your housing contract for the rest of the year. Come live with us. Hyejinie and Wheeinie love you. I love you. And you deserve to be loved.”

Byul choked.  _ She said “I love you.” _

“Byulie? You okay?” Yong’s voice broke through her thoughts.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” she answered, staring at one constellation in particular. Had the stars always been this bright? “But what about Goeun and Seoyoung? I would miss them so much…”

“There’s an apartment for rent on the floor beneath us. I can rent it out for them if you’d like to have them close. Does that sound okay?” Yong asked, carding her fingers through Byul’s dark hair.

“What?” Byul said. Did she hear that right?

Yong tilted her head. “They’re important to you. After going through all the shit you went through today, it would be good to have your support system close to you. Sound okay?”

Byul closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “I think I love you,” she said fondly, feeling herself slip into the comfort of sleep. 

Yongsun pulled her in closer and began to hum her lullaby again. “I think I love you, too.”


	5. it's our time

Soft. Byul couldn’t seem to form any coherent thoughts. She just felt  _ soft. _

She and Yongsun had fallen asleep on the rooftop the night before, tangled in each other's arms. Byul had been too exhausted, both mentally and physically, to even stomach the thought of moving downstairs. Luckily, Yong had brought a couple blankets, and they fell asleep huddled closely together in the cold nighttime air. Her head resting on Yong’s chest, Byul had allowed herself to drift off. She remembered Yongsun softly murmuring something to help her fall asleep...a poem, or maybe a story. Her voice was so mesmerizing, so comforting. The entire night had filled her with such tranquility, something she would never have imagined would happen the day she came out.

If there was one thing Byul regretted in life, it was that she wasn’t bisexual.  _ Maybe _ her mom would allow her to still be part of the family if she liked men.  _ Maybe _ her parents would still love her. For years, she had tried to like men. When she was younger, she would randomly pick out a boy from her grade to have a “crush” on in the attempt to convince herself that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance she was straight.

Nope.

How could she be straight when women were just so alluring? How could she be straight when Yongsun merely  _ exists?  _ Everything about Yongsun reminded Byul why she wasn’t straight. And for the first time, she was glad. Never before had she been grateful that she loved women. She had always despised that part of herself and tried to shove it down. But now, her heart soared whenever she fell deep into Yong’s kind eyes. She couldn’t keep herself from grinning when she remembered the way Yong had played with her hair in the hospital after Byul’s needle-induced panic attack.

Wait. She had a positive memory associated with needles? No fucking way.

Yongsun was changing her entire life. 

And, goddamn, Byul loved it.

Yawning and shifting slightly from where she was resting on Yong’s stomach, Byul realized how early in the morning it was. She caught a glimpse of the peachy-red tones of the sunrise and almost gasped at the beauty of it all.

Smiling, she raised her head and slowly grabbed Yongsun’s hand. Intertwining their hands, she reveled in Yongsun’s softness. Everything about her was just so kind, so caring.

“Unnie,” she whispered, eyes twinkling in delight when the elder girl stirred. She sat up further, shifting off of Yong’s body. She scooted over to lie down on her side next to Yong, and reached forward to run her fingers through the blonde girl’s hair.

“Mmmm,” Yongsun hummed, still not opening her eyes. Her dark lashes fluttered, but no other movement came from the older girl. 

“Wake up, unnie,” Byul quietly urged. “I want you to see something.”

Yongsun sighed contentedly, leaning into Byul’s touch. Eventually, she blinked her eyes open and used the hand Byul wasn’t currently holding to rub the sleep out of her eyes.

“Good morning, unnie,” Byul smiled fondly.

Yongsun returned the look and yawned one last time before speaking. “Good morning, love.”

Byul blushed, not prepared for this sudden onslaught of affection. She turned away, hoping Yongsun wouldn’t notice, but also kind of hoping she would.

“Hey,” Yongsun teased, lightly pulling Byul closer to her so she could see her face. “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re cute when you blush before you stop hiding from me?”

Byul giggled softly, rolling her eyes and basking in the careful attention of Yongsun’s gaze. “I’m just… not used to it,” she responded. She glanced away from Yongsun’s mesmerizing eyes. “I- I don’t quite know… how to accept it,” she finished, stuttering.

“Hmm,” Yongsun pretended to consider her answer. “I think I’ll have to fix that. Now, what did you want to show me?”

Byul snapped awake again, having slowly migrated closer to Yongsun and relaxing once more. “Oh!” she exclaimed, excited. “The sunrise!”

Yongsun sat up with Byul, the two girls never separating more than an inch apart. They watched as the colors of the sky slowly melted from dark red to lighter shades of pink and orange. The cool morning breeze filled them with energy and hope for the day ahead. 

“Hey, unnie?” Byul said, turning to face the older girl. However, she realized Yongsun was already looking at her. “Wait, what’s wrong?” she asked, suddenly concerned.

“Oh, nothing,” Yongsun consoled the girl. She reached forward to hold Byul’s small face with one hand, her eyes softening in admiration and love. Her manicured fingers gently brushed Byul’s black hair out of her eyes.

“Wait, then...why were you watching me? Why not the sunrise?” Byul asked, basking in the attention but still confused.

Yongsun smiled and continued to admire Byul’s wide, sparkling eyes and messy dark hair framing her face. 

Byul tilted her head in confusion, silently asking the question again.

“You’re prettier than the sunrise,” Yongsun replied.

\------

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure whether you two made it home last night. I was ready to claim Yong’s life insurance money for myself,” Wheein joked, flipping tan, fluffy pancakes on the stove. “Where did you end up?” 

Yongsun and Byul slowly trudged into the kitchen, smiling at Wheein’s mischief. Still carrying the soft, patterned blankets from the night before, they both took a seat at the kitchen counter.

“Byulie wanted to watch the sunset, and we just ended up falling asleep on the rooftop. Yesterday was a little...intense,” Yong responded, turning sideways to look at Byul. “Do you wanna talk about it with Wheeinie? As blunt as she can be sometimes, she’s a good listener.” 

Wheein shot Yong a playful glare, then shifted her gaze to the youngest who was still huddled up in a blanket burrito. “It’s okay if you’re too tired to talk about it anymore. I get how draining something like that can be.” She sighed and placed a finished pancake on a plate. Slathering it with a generous amount of maple syrup, she slid the plate to Byul. “When I came out to my parents, they told me I was confused. Which is true,” she added, winking at Byul. “I am confused about a lot of things, for example, ionic bonds. What the hell even is that? I’m a bio major for god’s sake, why would I care?” 

Byul suppressed a giggle. “It’s okay, I think I’m alright to talk about it a little more. It’s probably good to get my feelings out, I guess.” She looked down at her meal and took a bite. “Woah, who taught you to cook like this? This is amazing!” She quickly wolfed down a couple more bites of the fluffy pancakes while Yongsun watched fondly, nursing a cup of coffee.

Wheein smiled, her soft brown eyes glittering in thanks. “Hyejinie did. She can’t cook dinner food for shit, but by God can she make damn good French Toast,” she laughed in response. “Speaking of, I should probably go wake her up. She’s got a psychology exam later today, and I know for a fact she’s not finished studying.” She removed her light green apron covered in butterflies and carefully placed it in a kitchen drawer. Making her way back to the hallway, she looked over her shoulder and said to Byul, “I’ll be back in a minute. Drink your water!”

Byul nodded and obediently took a sip of the ice water left out for her. When was the last time she woke up feeling calm? The last time she genuinely enjoyed her morning? Normally, she would wake up just before her first class started, and would have to sprint to the lecture hall. 

Now, she took her time savoring every bite of her breakfast. The warm cup of coffee paired with the homemade pancakes made her feel so… loved. Like there was real warmth in the world, and it could never be taken away.

Yongsun suddenly sneezed, pulling Byul out of her thoughts. “Sorry,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Hyejin’s cat. I have allergies.”

“You  _ do not  _ have allergies, you’re just dramatic,” a sleepy voice argued from the entrance to the kitchen. “You love Blueberry, you just won’t admit it,” Hyejin, sleepily leaning against Wheein, continued to argue her case as she walked in the room. Dressed in soft yellow pajamas and sporting some serious bed-head, she hugged Wheein one last time before making her way to sit next to Yong.

Yongsun took a sip of her coffee and smiled. “I love Blueberry, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be allergic to her, buddy,” she smirked, poking Hyejin’s side, much to the other girl’s chagrin. “Oh, I meant to tell you both,” she continued, looking from Hyejin to Wheein, who was busy preparing more breakfast. “Byul-ah is moving in with us. She came out to her parents yesterday and… they made it fairly clear that they do not accept her. I offered to let her stay here.”

Hyejin suddenly sat up straight, fully attentive for the first time all morning. “Byulie, are you alright? And of course I’m fine with you staying with us! You’re my new favorite noraebang partner! But you have to go grocery shopping once in a while; Yong keeps forgetting and I cannot deal with it.” She reached for her coffee mug, decorated with butterflies identical to the ones on Wheein’s apron, and took a huge gulp, clearly needing the caffeine.

Byul remained silent, staring at the opposite side of the room.

Noticing the lack of response, Wheein turned around from her place at the stove where she had returned to her task of making breakfast. Stirring some scrambled eggs, she began to worry and said, “Byul-ah?”

“What?” Byul finally responded, her trance finally broken. “Oh, did you ask me something? I was watching Blueberry! She’s so cute!” she squealed, pointing at the darkly colored cat who was busy playing with something on the ground near the entrance of the apartment.

Hyejin beamed at Byul’s affection for her cat, but her expression quickly turned sour when she turned to look at the pet. “FUCK, SHE HAS THE KEYS AGAIN!” Hyejin screamed, tripping over herself to steal back said keys from her beloved cat.

Yongsun ran her fingers through her hair and sighed in exasperation. “I love that cat, but if she chokes on my keys, I don’t have time to drive her to the vet.”

Byul gasped, affronted, and playfully shoved Yongsun as Hyejin wrestled with Blueberry. “I would die for that cat,” she said, deadly serious.

“I wouldn’t let you. Besides, she’s tough. She could probably swallow all of our keys and still scratch my eye out,” Yongsun responded, finishing her bite of pancake. Savoring each taste of Wheein’s cooking, Yong relaxed in the atmosphere despite the world-class wrestling match going on between Hyejin and her cat. Breakfast with Wheeinie and Hyejinie was nice, but with Byul it was even better. The cool morning air drifted through the open balcony windows and fluttered the light grey curtains. With her most comfortable pajamas on, and Byul by her side, she couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be.

Byul huffed and poured some more syrup on her pancake. “I’m moving out. Hyejin-unnie and I are taking Blueberry to live on a farm far away from here.”

Wheein turned around from her place at the stove and raised an eyebrow. “I think I deserve a spot on that farm, too. I feed that damn cat way more than Hyejinie does,” she finished, winking.

Byul nodded. “Wheein-unnie can come, too.” She put her fork down and side-eyed Yongsun. “Maybe I’ll let you come if you clean up my plate for me,” she smirked, a mischievous glint in her eye.

Yongsun scoffed. “Are you not in  _ my  _ penthouse, sweetheart? Have I not done enough to deserve a place on your imaginary farm?” She reached forward to place a finger under Byul’s chin and thereby forcing the younger girl to make eye-contact.

Byul shrugged playfully, refusing to back down, even though the pet name did make her legs a little weak.

Yong sighed, subdued. “Okay, okay. I’ll even clean your plates for a month if you take Blueberry to the vet for her yearly checkup.”

Byul beamed. “Deal!”

The two girls gazed into each others’ eyes, their joking argument quickly forgotten as they admired each other fondly. Yongsun suddenly remembered how little Byul normally ate, and elected to take the younger girl’s fork and feed her herself. Nodding her thanks to Wheein as the roommate passed her the scrambled eggs, Yongsun spent the next few minutes pampering the shit out of Byulie.

And, fuck, did Byul love it. She had probably eaten more in the past two days thanks to Yongsun than she normally did in a week.  _ Maybe, _ she thought, _ maybe it was okay to be pampered. To be taken care of. To be loved. _

Wheein finished her cooking and turned off the stove, clearing away the last of the dirty pans and dishes. She made her way to Hyejin, who had successfully retrieved the keys from Blueberry, but was now napping on the enormous sectional couch with said cat. 

Sighing fondly, she sat next to her girlfriend and began to eat her breakfast. 

From Byul’s place at the kitchen bar, she could see all three of her new roommates. Yongsun, carefully feeding her the most delicious meal she’s ever had, with her messy blonde hair and silky pajamas. Hyejin, cuddled up with her exquisite fluffball of a cat, already falling back asleep, despite Wheein’s protests. And Wheein, enjoying her own cooking as she occasionally played with her girlfriend’s hair, sipping on a cup of hazelnut coffee that almost perfectly matched her own soft, brown hair and glittering eyes. 

_ I love mornings,  _ Byul thought.

\--------------

Yongsun could almost physically see the trauma. The little flecks of desperation, of uncertainty, of distress that Byul probably didn’t even know she was showing. Did she know how much it hurt Yongsun to imagine this young woman in pain? Someone who, as far as Yong could tell, only knew how to give, and give, and give. She had nothing left, and still she wanted to make others happy before herself.

She almost never asked for what she wanted, preferring to wait for someone to realize and ask if she did want something. 

Eye-contact was a struggle. The way she talked through stutters, hesitation over saying the wrong thing. Over giving someone a reason to blow up at her and leave her. Yongsun wanted to hold her and never let her go. 

Last night, when the two girls had fallen asleep together on the rooftop, Yong noticed how tightly Byul held on to the blanket, almost gathering it into a tight ball to hold on to. Like she was holding on for dear life. Occasionally whimpering into the warmth and comfort of Yongsun’s body, she had felt her heart break for the younger girl. 

The older student had seen firsthand the way Byul’s family treated her. She could easily imagine the way Byul grew up. Loved, but not unconditionally. Cared for, but out of obligation, not true love. Supported, but not respected.

It was the worst kind of abuse, Yongsun realized. To be loved for someone you are not. And to constantly be expected to be someone else.

Someone you will never be. 

As she turned right on the next street, her Corvette humming softly, she glanced over at Byul, who was admiring the orange and red hues of the trees lining the streets of Seoul from the passenger seat. Her hands, so soft and delicate, wrapped around the cup of hot chocolate that Yong had bought for her when the younger mentioned being cold.

“Unnie,” Byul had protested, “I’m okay! I’ve got your coat, I’m fine,” she said, blushing when she remembered she was wearing Yong’s clothing, yet again. At Yong’s sigh and shake of the head, she continued, “Really! One time I was walking home from my Spanish class and it started raining out of  _ nowhere  _ and I was drenched by the time I got back to the dorm. I was a little cold, but it turned out fine. It’s not a big deal, I promise.”

Yongsun had taken one look at her, pulled over to the nearest coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream.

“You drink too much coffee,” she had explained, handing the younger girl the beverage once they got back in the car. “One day you’re gonna overdose, and I’m not particularly a fan of that idea,” she said, starting the car. 

“I don’t drink  _ that  _ much…” Byul had muttered to herself, but cut herself off when Yongsun turned to look at her and raised an eyebrow, pausing in the action of putting the car in drive. 

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

They had continued to drive through the streets of Seoul, Yongsun intentionally taking the longer route just because Byul was so infatuated with the scenery. Yong guessed that she normally never came this far north, and usually remained on the south side of campus where all the freshman dorms were located. 

She could understand Byul’s fascination with this part of the city, though. It was especially beautiful in autumn, when all the trees dipped towards the center of the streets, forming a sort of nature tunnel as one drove through. The crisp air and exquisitely colored nature scenery combined to form a place Yongsun was proud to call home. Who else lived in a city that looked like a Van Gogh painting?

After a few more minutes of making their way through the busy streets, Yongsun turned the car and pulled into an empty parking lot. She could see the small greenhouse a couple hundred meters from where she parked, but she didn’t want Byul to know where they were just yet.

Finishing the last sips of her hot chocolate, Byul placed the empty beverage in the cup holder of Yong’s car so that she could tie her coat before heading outside. “Sunnie, where are we?” she asked, putting her hair in a low ponytail to prevent it from being blown around by the wind.

Yongsun smiled and turned the car off, grabbed her purse, and stepped out of the car. “Come and find out,” she replied.

Byul sighed playfully and followed Yongsun after exiting the car ( _ Byul still had not gotten over it. A black Corvette. Flex.)  _ “Did you bring me here to murder me? I was having a good day, you know. Maybe we could postpone that until tomorrow?” she joked, admiring the other girl’s appearance and walking towards her. Yongsun wore a simple black and white striped dress, complemented by a tan trench coat tied around her waist. Her blonde hair fell in soft waves down her back, fluttering slightly in the wind. Her gold earrings sparkled in the sunlight and matched her simple gold necklace.

“I only murder on the second date,” Yongsun acknowledged, winking. “Today’s been good so far, though?” she asked more seriously. “I know yesterday was...hard,” she said quietly, dark boots causing the fallen leaves to crunch under her feet. She reached for Byul’s hand (Byul was more than happy to oblige), and continued, “I wanted you to be able to start over. To feel like yesterday wasn’t… how it’s always going to be,” she admitted, swinging their joined hands together slightly as they walked. 

Byul smiled at the older girl. She was so  _ thoughtful  _ and God, she never wanted to let go of their hands. “Yes,” she replied, after realizing she had gotten lost in Yongsun’s beauty yet again and had forgotten to respond. “I never thought…I never saw myself being happy. So soon after coming out, I mean,” she amended, noticing the look of mild horror on Yongsun’s face. 

Yongsun relaxed slightly and pulled the younger girl closer to her side, never letting her stray more than a centimeter away as they trekked to the greenhouse. “I want you to be happy,” she finally said, using her thumb to gently caress Byul’s hand. “I want you to know there’s more out there for you. That there are people who care about you. A lot,” she blushed after finishing her confession. 

Byul smirked and seized the opportunity to tease Yong. “Now who’s blushing?” she laughed, content to simply be with Yongsun. Her presence was so calming, yet so electrifying. Yongsun made her feel  _ alive.  _

Yong huffed playfully and suddenly pulled Byul in for a hug, turning her away from the greenhouse. 

“Wh-,” Byul choked, quickly falling deeply into Yong’s embrace. She closed her eyes and let herself be held. 

“I want to keep you safe,” Yongsun muttered against the shell of Byul’s ear. Gently tightening her grip on Byul’s waist, the older girl could feel the warmth on Byul’s cheeks. She smiled, knowing she had caused this. 

Byul sighed dreamily. “I want… you.”

Stepping back from the embrace, Yongsun held Byul’s face in her hands. “I wanna show you something,” she said quietly, gazing fondly into the blushing freshman’s eyes. She grabbed Byul’s hand and pulled them the last steps to the entrance of the greenhouse. 

Stopping on the final stone step before the glass door, Yongsun turned to face Byul. “This is my mom’s greenhouse,” she said proudly. “We’ve owned it since I was really little, and I come here whenever the city gets too much for me. The rooftop is nice, but you kinda need a little nature every once in a while, you know?”

Byul nodded in agreement, all too knowledgeable of that suffocating feeling of being trapped in her apartment, surrounded by her studies, and desperate for fresh air. 

“I thought we should come here today just to get your mind off of everything, and to start over. I know you’re worried about your classes,” Yongsun acknowledged, ignoring Byul’s wince at the reminder of her busy schedule, “but you need to breathe in some peace before you go back to studying 24 hours a day.”

“Okay,” Byul smiled. She allowed herself to be ushered into the greenhouse, the warmth quickly enveloping her in a comfort similar to Yongsun’s hugs. As she looked around the room, her jaw dropped slightly in surprise. “This…is incredible,” she said, shocked and a little lost for words. 

Yongsun blushed and murmured her thanks. “Let’s go sit over there,” she said, leading Byul through the swaying green leaves and an immeasurable amount of exotic flowers until they reached a simple wooden bench, surrounded by the most exquisite roses Byul had ever seen. Before she sat down, she noticed a small golden plaque on the back part of the bench. 

“Kim Jae Joon,” Byul read softly. “A man who never forgot the meaning of love.”

Yongsun smiled, her eyes suddenly sparkling with a few tears. “My dad,” she explained, gesturing for Byul to sit down next to her and take in the scenery. Once seated and comfortable, she continued:

“He taught me what it means to love someone. Of course, my mom means the world to me, and I’m so happy we have a good relationship,” Yongsun added, gauging Byul’s response, “but my dad. My dad was… he was brilliant. Before he died, he was a ballroom dancer,” she said grinning, and noticed Byul’s confusion. 

“A ballroom dancer?” The younger asked. 

Yongsun nodded. “The best. He and my mom met in the botanic gardens a few miles away from here. She was 26, a new surgical resident at Seoul General Hospital, and he was 27, ballroom dancing with the most beautiful and elegant women in all of Korea. One day, they were both taking a stroll through the gardens when out of nowhere, it started to thunderstorm,” Yongsun continued her story. Byul could tell she had heard this particular story, probably from her mom, a million and one times. 

Yongsun sighed deeply and crossed her legs, allowing Byul to snuggle closer into her side while she continued to speak. “My mom, ever practical, had an umbrella with her. But my dad,” she said, a mischievous glint in her eye, “did not. But he saw his opportunity. Noticing the beautiful woman walking alone in the rain, he approached and asked if they could share the shelter from the rain.”

“Did your mom say yes?” Byul asked, becoming more invested in the story. 

“Oh, hell no,” Yongsun laughed. “She knew what he was trying to do. But she was a busy surgical resident who had no time for men. When she told him just that, he smiled and suggested they make a deal.”

Byul tilted her head against Yongsun’s coat as if to ask  _ what kind of deal? _

“He told her, ‘if you allow me to share your umbrella, I’ll teach you to slow dance.’” 

Byul nearly squealed. “Oh my god, please tell me she said yes this time.”

Yongsun giggled, content that Byul was enjoying the story. She glanced around the greenhouse, enjoying the vibrant greens of the various plant species, and took a deep breath before answering. “She told me that she looked at him,  _ really  _ looked at him, and saw a future with him. She still tells me about how passionate and fiery his gaze was.” At this point, Yong closed her eyes and let herself float in the memory. “My mom dropped her umbrella to the ground, allowed herself to be pulled in close by this complete stranger, and they danced for hours in the rain.”

“That’s so sweet,” Byul commented, imagining the two lovers drenched in the rain from the thunderstorm, but too enamored with each other to care. Byul fiddled with the cuff of her jacket nervously. “How did he pass away?”

Yongsun opened her eyes, her trance broken. She leaned over to pick up a few rose petals that had wilted from the rose bushes surrounding them. Running her fingers over the soft surface of the flower petal, she sighed. “He was in a car accident. Just walking across the street from a coffee shop to come home. It was dark, and rainy, and foggy, and the driver didn’t see him. He suffered severe blunt trauma and irreversible damage to his organs,” Yong finished, taking on a more clinical and removed disposition. Byul immediately recognized it as the coping mechanism that she too relied on for relief. 

“I’m sorry,” Byul muttered, reaching for Yongsun’s free hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. She noticed a stray tear slide down the older girl’s cheek. 

“Thank you,” she responded. “He died when I was five years old. My mom built this greenhouse about a year after in his memory. She didn’t…” Yongsun stifled a sob. “She didn’t want me to forget how much he loved the gardens. How much he loved my mom, and how much he loved me.”

Byul nodded. “Sunnie?” She asked. 

Yongsun shifted to make eye contact with Byul on the bench, her gaze momentarily pausing on the plaque with her father’s name before flitting back to the empathetic countenance of the younger student. “Yeah?”

“You know how you said you wanted to protect me?” Byul said. She nervously reached to dry Yongsun’s tears. “I want to protect you too.”

Yongsun smiled gratefully. “Thank you. I would like that,” she said, voice quieter than normal. “Anyway,” she continued, “I didn’t bring you here to tell you my sob-story. I told you whenever I need an escape, I come here, right?”

Byul nodded in agreement. 

“Well,” Yongsun said, “I like to come here and pick one plant to bring home to the apartment. And, because my dad loved the arts so much, I paint whichever plant I choose, as a way to keep his memory alive.”

Byul smiled from ear to ear. “Can I help?”

Yongsun matched the younger girl’s grin. “Nothing would make me happier.”

As they stood up to search through the jungle of plant species for the most perfect subject, Byul pulled Yongsun in for a tight hug. 

Surprised but pleased at her boldness, Yongsun realized she never wanted to let go. 

“I want to paint a sunflower,” Byul murmured, barely audible. 

Yongsun tilted her head in confusion. “Why?” She asked. Byul was just a few centimeters shorter than her, and she could smell the lovely coconut scent of her shampoo. Yong made a mental note to buy a coconut candle. 

Byul lifted her head to stare into Yongsun’s eyes, her heart melting at the adorable confusion in the older’s expression. 

“Like ‘Sunnie,’” she smiled, and leaned in to kiss the love of her life. 


End file.
